May 19, 2006
Berkeley, California
Well, this was one dramatic week. It all started late Monday night when Scooter, still in obvious distress over the death of his hamster "Jumpy," called to tell me goodbye forever. It seems he couldn't face a world "where little innocent hamsters die for no reason, and Republicans are on the verge of sending everybody they don't like to religious forced-labor camps that are controlled by Halliburton." I guess the fact that the little rat died after Scooter had forgotten to feed him for about a month hadn't influenced Scooter's fatalistic reasoning. I jumped into my car and raced to Scooter's house, hoping I could get there in time before he did something stupid.
Upon arriving at Scooter's place I found the door unlocked and rushed in, calling his name. I heard a weird sound in the bedroom, and there my worst fears were realized. Protruding from about two feet of oozing white foam I saw poor Scooter's legs beside the bed. Oh crap! I reached into the bubbling mass and pulled Scooter's limp body onto the bed. Apparently the source of the foam was Scooter himself, as the stuff was coming out his nose and mouth at a prodigious rate. What was this stuff? My question was answered by the dozens of ripped-open packets of Alka-Seltzer and the empty quart bottles of club soda. I guess a lack of decent prescription drugs had forced Scooter to improvise, and judging by the evidence it was clear he had tried to blow himself up, apparently somewhat successfully.
As I tried to figure out the best course of action, I noticed Scooter had dug up Jumpy's little decaying body and had placed him in his shirt pocket. I also noticed a piece of paper pinned to Scooter's shirt that I assumed to be a suicide note, but now was pretty much just a big blue blur, as the ink had been no match for the bubbling liquids. I made a mental note to tell Scooter Kevorkian to do the note in pencil next time. Anyway, I called 911 and while waiting for them to arrive, did the only thing I could think of to save my friend - I grabbed his wet 'n dry vac I had given him for Christmas and duct-taped the hose to his nose, figuring it would suck the foam out of him. I was terrified my efforts might be too little, too late. I cranked the vacuum to "high," and prayed.
Fortunately the paramedics arrived quickly and Scooter was rushed to the hospital where thanks to the valiant efforts of the ER crew, he was saved. The most serious damage he suffered was apparently caused by a cataclysmic belch that had propelled a baked bean he had eaten for dinner into his nasal cavity. They said just two more Alka-Seltzers could have possibly blown this bean through the tender nasal tissue and right into his brain, where it could have potentially killed him. Oh, Scooter was so lucky!
After bringing Scooter home from the hospital, I was delighted to give him the new little friend I had picked up at the pet store - a beautiful brown and white hamster I named "Jumpy 2." You should have seen the smile on Scooter's face when I placed the cute little thing in his hands. The only bad thing was I must have accidentally sat on little Jumpy 2 on the way home, as he was pretty flat and stiff as a plank. That was over an hour ago and judging by the fizzing I hear coming from the bathroom, I think I'd better call 911. Gotta go.
